Being a Mum when you’re not

Being a Mum when you’re not

One of the biggest and probably shittiest things about having endometriosis is the impact it can have on your fertility. Don’t get me wrong, many women with the condition  go on to have perfectly normal, healthy pregnancies (with the promise that pregnancy will make the pain better!) but for some, it’s a gruelling journey to fulfil a lifetime wish.

My diagnosis came at the age of 22 and after a few attempts of surgery to manage it, I was told they should perform no more operations as the constant laser treatment could weaken my ovarian and uteran tissue, meaning it may be difficult in the long run to conceive, let alone carry a baby full term. So we stopped the surgeries and I’m managing the pain in a hope that one day, I can be a mum.

Over the last four years, conversations about pregnancy have cropped up, as they do amongst girlfriends, especially when women we work with or went to school with post their scan photos or the cute “I’m going to be a big brother!” announcements.

I don’t let it bother me though, not right now whilst I still don’t know if the surgery has had that much of a detrimental effect or not. I can’t be sad as I don’t know if this time next year, I’ll be tearing my hair out with a baby that won’t sleep through the night!

I haven’t been through the “trying for” stage, the disappointment of getting my next period, the magical pain of childbirth or the sleepless nights, but I do have a young life that I take responsibility for, to be a role model for and who I’d do absolutely anything for.

I’m lucky in that I get the best of both worlds; I’m a mum but I’m not a mum.

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This little man here. Jonah.

My awesome nephew who will be four (OMG) in October.

I still remember the moment Georgie told me she was pregnant, the jealous pang I felt, the instant guilt at being jealous and the excitement all rolled into one.

I was going to be an Aunty and that’s the next best thing to being a mum.

I’ve had my fair share of late nights, jabs to the face, hair pulling, being puked on and changing very questionable nappies, but he made it all worthwhile.

I was there when he was born, when he took his first steps, said his first words, starting eating solids and recently he even introduced me to his preschool teachers!

A few weeks ago, I had him for the night; we watched his films together, snuggled on the sofa eating popcorn and skittles (major Aunty points earned!) and spent the next day on an adventure through the park. When he woke me at 6:45am to look out over the balcony, I happily obliged. We discussed ‘stranger danger’ and I was amazed at how quickly he picked it up.

Once I took him back home, I quizzed him again in front of Georgie and I could have burst with pride every time he gave a correct answer to the stranger danger questions!

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It’s amazing to see I have made such an impact on his life that he wants me to be around. Even when I tell him off whilst Georgie is sniggering at his behaviour behind a pillow and he tells me I’m “not his best friend ANYMORE!!!”, I’ll soon receive a huge tight squeeze, a kiss and the assurance that we “ARE best friends, of course”.

I see Jonah as equally special as his birth came not long after I had been told my conception chances were lower than normal and that I might struggle in future. I may have had something potentially taken from me, but I received a pretty remarkable gift to make up for it.

Plus, I get to give him back after a night or so, and I won’t be doing his washing, cleaning his bedroom or coming home to the mess left behind after having the guys round. Soz Georgie!!

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The point today was to express that yes, life can be hard and we are constantly faced with challenges, brick walls, dead ends and the feeling of “why me!?” but remembering and appreciating the other amazing things you have in your life is so important.

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5 Comments

  1. August 18, 2016 / 9:52 am

    A very honest and real blog post, Franki. Jonah is an absolute credit to you and Georgie! 🙂 xx

  2. August 18, 2016 / 1:01 pm

    Miracles do happen Franki, I personally know people who were told they would have very little chance of conceiving and did that just fine. You will make a fabulous mum one day! (Not just to Jonah) xxx

    • August 18, 2016 / 2:53 pm

      Aw Zoe, thank you for your lovely comment! Hope you and Morgan are doing well xxx

  3. Rachel Andrews
    August 18, 2016 / 5:37 pm

    I second what Zoe said. Miracles do happen. ? xxx

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